I am the product of divorce. When I was 7, after 12 years of marriage, my parents decided to go their separate ways. I don't really remember the actual split or how it happened or why it happened, they never fought in front of me, they seemed to get along fine... One day my dad just didn't live with us anymore. When my mother left my father he told her that he was not going to stay single long and he didn't. He was remarried with a baby on the way by the time I was 8. That was a little hard to swallow at first but I think the transition was a little easier on me because the woman he married was one of my mom's friends and I had always known her and so it was easy to accept her in the role of step mom. Not sure my mom had quite as easy of a time swallowing that one but she eventually got over it...
I was lucky in the fact that my parents for the most part kept their divorce civil and kept it clean. Not only do they share a daughter, but they live next door to each other and have for the last 30 years. I like to think that their divorce had no lasting negative effects on me, and I reassure my mom of that whenever she asks. But looking at things more closely and the more reading I do on the subject, I am not so sure. I am pretty sure that my parents divorce and the semi absent parent my father became, have had a bearing on my relationships in the past, and I am starting to understand why.
When my parents got married, things were different. It was 1969 and they both came from traditional old school homes. Both sets of my grandparents were still married, my grandmothers were homemakers, my grandfathers supported their families, real life Leave it to Beaver. They were each others first loves and got married when they were both only 21. Once they got divorced, my mother said she would never get married again and she hasn't. She and my 'step dad' have been together for 26 years and have lived together for almost that entire time but she has always stuck to her guns and has never remarried. But before they got together, when my mother was first divorced, my mother dated. It makes sense if you think about it, she was 32, single for the first time ever, Very attractive, what else was she supposed to do? So as a young and impressionable girl, I watched my mom date. She went on dates with a variety of suitors and occasionally she would keep one around for a few months, but inevitably before too long, she would always drop them and move on to the next. They were always really sweet and nice and likable but they were also disposable.
When I was old enough to notice boys, I really noticed them. I didn't have a dad around so it was nice to have that male attention that I had long been missing and I gobbled it up. I loved having boys around, just not for long. You said something I didn't like? You're gone. I don't like your shoes, your out of here! I never, ever thought about others feelings and I truly regarded boyfriends as disposable. I was a serial monogamist and went from one boyfriend to another usually with an overlap of the two in between. I loved having the security and safety of a boyfriend but I would also never allow anyone to get too close to me. Then, when I was 20, I met my husband. My FIRST husband. We dated for almost 4 years before we got married and our wedding was the beginning of the end. I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I felt like that was what you were "supposed" to do. That was the natural progression of life. We had been together so long, why wouldn't we get married? Well, for starters, I was too young. I was 23 but a young, sheltered 23. I had no idea what it meant to be or what it took to be someone's wife. And to be honest, I didn't really want to know. By the time the wedding arrived, I knew I didn't want to do it. But, I talked myself into thinking it was cold feet and everything would be okay, but it wasn't. I hated it from the get go. I take 100% full responsibility for the demise of my marriage. There is no one to blame but me. I wasn't ready, I was too young, I was not able to stand up and say what I knew was right, I did it to myself. And, after 5 months, I left my husband. I didn't even try, I just left.
I can't really blame my parents for the way I was, but I know I learned a lot about relationships from watching. As the years passed and I grew up, I realized that I didn't need a man's love to make me feel secure and whole, I could do that all on my own. I could be happy with just me. I learned a lot of things. I took a year off from dating to just learn about me, to find out about what makes me happy and to find out what I want and don't want. And one year to the day of being single, I ran into my high school boyfriend at a restaurant... He is now my husband and the father of my daughter and we have been in a happy, healthy committed relationship for almost 11 years now. I was 32 when we got married and what a difference a decade makes! I see why research shows the older you are when get married the more likely it is to last, we are so much more mature and ready to shoulder the burdens of family life. We are better equipped to deal with everything that comes our way and I look forward to having him as my partner in crime for many years to come!
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