I am the product of divorce. When I was 7, after 12 years of marriage, my parents decided to go their separate ways. I don't really remember the actual split or how it happened or why it happened, they never fought in front of me, they seemed to get along fine... One day my dad just didn't live with us anymore. When my mother left my father he told her that he was not going to stay single long and he didn't. He was remarried with a baby on the way by the time I was 8. That was a little hard to swallow at first but I think the transition was a little easier on me because the woman he married was one of my mom's friends and I had always known her and so it was easy to accept her in the role of step mom. Not sure my mom had quite as easy of a time swallowing that one but she eventually got over it...
I was lucky in the fact that my parents for the most part kept their divorce civil and kept it clean. Not only do they share a daughter, but they live next door to each other and have for the last 30 years. I like to think that their divorce had no lasting negative effects on me, and I reassure my mom of that whenever she asks. But looking at things more closely and the more reading I do on the subject, I am not so sure. I am pretty sure that my parents divorce and the semi absent parent my father became, have had a bearing on my relationships in the past, and I am starting to understand why.
When my parents got married, things were different. It was 1969 and they both came from traditional old school homes. Both sets of my grandparents were still married, my grandmothers were homemakers, my grandfathers supported their families, real life Leave it to Beaver. They were each others first loves and got married when they were both only 21. Once they got divorced, my mother said she would never get married again and she hasn't. She and my 'step dad' have been together for 26 years and have lived together for almost that entire time but she has always stuck to her guns and has never remarried. But before they got together, when my mother was first divorced, my mother dated. It makes sense if you think about it, she was 32, single for the first time ever, Very attractive, what else was she supposed to do? So as a young and impressionable girl, I watched my mom date. She went on dates with a variety of suitors and occasionally she would keep one around for a few months, but inevitably before too long, she would always drop them and move on to the next. They were always really sweet and nice and likable but they were also disposable.
When I was old enough to notice boys, I really noticed them. I didn't have a dad around so it was nice to have that male attention that I had long been missing and I gobbled it up. I loved having boys around, just not for long. You said something I didn't like? You're gone. I don't like your shoes, your out of here! I never, ever thought about others feelings and I truly regarded boyfriends as disposable. I was a serial monogamist and went from one boyfriend to another usually with an overlap of the two in between. I loved having the security and safety of a boyfriend but I would also never allow anyone to get too close to me. Then, when I was 20, I met my husband. My FIRST husband. We dated for almost 4 years before we got married and our wedding was the beginning of the end. I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I felt like that was what you were "supposed" to do. That was the natural progression of life. We had been together so long, why wouldn't we get married? Well, for starters, I was too young. I was 23 but a young, sheltered 23. I had no idea what it meant to be or what it took to be someone's wife. And to be honest, I didn't really want to know. By the time the wedding arrived, I knew I didn't want to do it. But, I talked myself into thinking it was cold feet and everything would be okay, but it wasn't. I hated it from the get go. I take 100% full responsibility for the demise of my marriage. There is no one to blame but me. I wasn't ready, I was too young, I was not able to stand up and say what I knew was right, I did it to myself. And, after 5 months, I left my husband. I didn't even try, I just left.
I can't really blame my parents for the way I was, but I know I learned a lot about relationships from watching. As the years passed and I grew up, I realized that I didn't need a man's love to make me feel secure and whole, I could do that all on my own. I could be happy with just me. I learned a lot of things. I took a year off from dating to just learn about me, to find out about what makes me happy and to find out what I want and don't want. And one year to the day of being single, I ran into my high school boyfriend at a restaurant... He is now my husband and the father of my daughter and we have been in a happy, healthy committed relationship for almost 11 years now. I was 32 when we got married and what a difference a decade makes! I see why research shows the older you are when get married the more likely it is to last, we are so much more mature and ready to shoulder the burdens of family life. We are better equipped to deal with everything that comes our way and I look forward to having him as my partner in crime for many years to come!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Ugh.
Well, this weeks reading has kind of got me down... Teenagers. Ugh. As we all know by now, I have a 5 year old girl and this weeks reading has sort of stressed me out. Especially the articles. I don't want to think about boys, and periods, and puberty just yet. But, I guess I have to. In this day and age you have to think about it so much sooner that you used to and it makes me sad. It makes me wish for days gone by when we didn't have iPads and iPhones and computers in every room. When there were no such things as half shirts and padded swim suits for 5 years olds. Thongs were what we called flip flops, they were not underpants for children! Wow, I sound old. Yes, I know that improvements in nutrition and health cause girls to physically mature sooner that they did in the past but I also know that society encourages our girls to grow up mentally before they are ready and before they need to. I am appalled at some of the things I see on Tv and for sale in stores, things that encourage children to look and act like little adults which the are not!
When I was a child, my pediatrician took my mother aside and gave her some words of advice. "Don't let people force her to grow up too fast. She is much taller that her peers and people are going to treat her differently. People will expect more from her, because they will believe she is older and she will try to live up to their expectations, and in some cases because she is so much younger, she is going to fail." All through childhood, I was much taller than my friends. I looked 12 when I was 8. When I was 12, I looked 16. I got lots and lots of attention from boys and men, but I was 12. I still played with Barbies and I didn't know how to deal with it, I didn't want to deal with it, I should not have had to deal with it. My parents never let me dress in appropriately or wear make up or anything like that but I didn't need it. When you are stacked at 13, you don't really need to play it up and there is not much you can do to hide it.
Now I have a baby girl and you guessed it, she's tall. And blonde and lanky. People are always surprised when they hear she is 5, because she looks and acts older. She is my only child and the one thing her father and I want more than anything else is for her to grow up slowly. We don't want her to worry about things that shouldn't concern her for years and years. I want her to be educated and to respect her body and be amazed by the things it can do so we talk to her openly so she knows she never has to be embarrassed about anything related to her body and she knows the correct terminology for her body parts and she knows she can ask about anything and I feel good about that. And I feel strongly that as a parent, part of my job is to make sure she doesn't grow up too fast. She is not allowed to wear two piece swimsuits, and her clothes look like clothes a 5 year old should wear. She doesn't look like a tiny teenager because I will not allow it. But she doesn't know the difference because we don't have TV and she doesn't see commercials and programs that glorify that type of behavior, and that works for us. Sure she grabs my bras and lipsticks and trys them out but she knows that those things are for mommy and it's ok to experiment but it's not to leave the house.
Ugh. We are moving to an island.
When I was a child, my pediatrician took my mother aside and gave her some words of advice. "Don't let people force her to grow up too fast. She is much taller that her peers and people are going to treat her differently. People will expect more from her, because they will believe she is older and she will try to live up to their expectations, and in some cases because she is so much younger, she is going to fail." All through childhood, I was much taller than my friends. I looked 12 when I was 8. When I was 12, I looked 16. I got lots and lots of attention from boys and men, but I was 12. I still played with Barbies and I didn't know how to deal with it, I didn't want to deal with it, I should not have had to deal with it. My parents never let me dress in appropriately or wear make up or anything like that but I didn't need it. When you are stacked at 13, you don't really need to play it up and there is not much you can do to hide it.
Now I have a baby girl and you guessed it, she's tall. And blonde and lanky. People are always surprised when they hear she is 5, because she looks and acts older. She is my only child and the one thing her father and I want more than anything else is for her to grow up slowly. We don't want her to worry about things that shouldn't concern her for years and years. I want her to be educated and to respect her body and be amazed by the things it can do so we talk to her openly so she knows she never has to be embarrassed about anything related to her body and she knows the correct terminology for her body parts and she knows she can ask about anything and I feel good about that. And I feel strongly that as a parent, part of my job is to make sure she doesn't grow up too fast. She is not allowed to wear two piece swimsuits, and her clothes look like clothes a 5 year old should wear. She doesn't look like a tiny teenager because I will not allow it. But she doesn't know the difference because we don't have TV and she doesn't see commercials and programs that glorify that type of behavior, and that works for us. Sure she grabs my bras and lipsticks and trys them out but she knows that those things are for mommy and it's ok to experiment but it's not to leave the house.
Ugh. We are moving to an island.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Boy oh Boy!
Wow! Here it is Saturday morning at at 7:45 am and already my mind is working overtime. No, I haven't had too much coffee, I am thinking about boys! And men! Tough guise! While I thoroughly enjoyed this weeks reading, the video "Tough Guise" really got me thinking. There is so much in the news about women being objectified by the media and the media's tendencies to feature women with unattainable body types and women being hypersexualized and taught to value looks and sexuality above all else that I have almost never given any real thought to what's going on with our male counterparts. Watching the video this morning, it was really almost like a light going on in my head. Of course I am trained to feel bad about myself when I see a celebrity who has just given birth three weeks ago frolicking in a bikini, why wouldn't a man feel the same way? Or at least similarly?
After watching the video, I started thinking about tv, movies, magazines and how they perceive and show men. It is very rare in film and tv that the sensitive man is the hero of a story, the one who gets the girl. And in the rare cases he does become the victor, it is usually following some life changing act of manliness. In Back to the Future, George McFly gets the girl, but only after he fights and defeats the antagonist of the story. And to top it off, this act of manliness, changes his entire life! He gets the girl, becomes a famous novelist, has a great career, all his kids are successful... All because he knocked out Biff! What is this telling us? A man that can protect his woman and show physical prowess is going to have a great life! He will be successful, people will respect him, everything will be moonlight and roses.
The media has a shocking amount of control over the way we think and perceive others, I hate to say it. I would like to think of myself as above that way of thinking, but I am not. When I think of men I find physically attractive or appealing, I do not think of a sensitive ponytail man. For whatever reason, I just don't. Part of it is probably that I am tall and athletic and appreciate someone with similar physical and athletic abilities, I also assume some of it has to do with survival of the fittest and we tend to try to choose mates that would ensure the best genetic outcome for our children, but I am sure a huge part of it is that we are taught to value masculinity and a mans prowess and view those as favorable traits in a mate.
As a women, I think it is very important for us to help change things by changing the way we think and interact with men. Women have a huge influence over their sons and in many cases men in general and by changing what we value, we can help men change what they value in themselves. There is a huge difference between being strong and capable and being aggressive and antagonistic. Yes, my husband is tall and athletic but that's not what makes him manly. What makes him manly is that he is a stand up guy. He is not afraid to be a stay at home dad. He supports his wife in her pursuits. He values his daughter's thoughts and opinions and works hard to ensure she is a strong and independent girl. He provides for his family. He doesn't allow himself to be hen pecked in a house full of girls... Now that's manly!
After watching the video, I started thinking about tv, movies, magazines and how they perceive and show men. It is very rare in film and tv that the sensitive man is the hero of a story, the one who gets the girl. And in the rare cases he does become the victor, it is usually following some life changing act of manliness. In Back to the Future, George McFly gets the girl, but only after he fights and defeats the antagonist of the story. And to top it off, this act of manliness, changes his entire life! He gets the girl, becomes a famous novelist, has a great career, all his kids are successful... All because he knocked out Biff! What is this telling us? A man that can protect his woman and show physical prowess is going to have a great life! He will be successful, people will respect him, everything will be moonlight and roses.
The media has a shocking amount of control over the way we think and perceive others, I hate to say it. I would like to think of myself as above that way of thinking, but I am not. When I think of men I find physically attractive or appealing, I do not think of a sensitive ponytail man. For whatever reason, I just don't. Part of it is probably that I am tall and athletic and appreciate someone with similar physical and athletic abilities, I also assume some of it has to do with survival of the fittest and we tend to try to choose mates that would ensure the best genetic outcome for our children, but I am sure a huge part of it is that we are taught to value masculinity and a mans prowess and view those as favorable traits in a mate.
As a women, I think it is very important for us to help change things by changing the way we think and interact with men. Women have a huge influence over their sons and in many cases men in general and by changing what we value, we can help men change what they value in themselves. There is a huge difference between being strong and capable and being aggressive and antagonistic. Yes, my husband is tall and athletic but that's not what makes him manly. What makes him manly is that he is a stand up guy. He is not afraid to be a stay at home dad. He supports his wife in her pursuits. He values his daughter's thoughts and opinions and works hard to ensure she is a strong and independent girl. He provides for his family. He doesn't allow himself to be hen pecked in a house full of girls... Now that's manly!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Quick! Hand me a pill!
Well, here we are in week four and I have to say, this has been the best reading yet! The article "The over medicated child" was by far the most interesting part for me and it will be the focus of my blog this week.
When I was a child, in addition to having to walk uphill both ways to school in the snow, I didn't get to watch TV. I didn't have a computer, there was no such thing as video games (unless you were at the bowling alley and they had Ms. Pacman which was AWESOME!) We played outside. We rode our bikes with no helmets, we drank water straight out of the creek (no purifier, crazy, I know!) we had to entertain ourselves using only our imaginations... And no one, I repeat NO ONE, I knew had ADHD. I know now that ADHD has been being studied and reported on for at least 45 years but when and where I grew up, It was a completely foreign idea. Sure, there were the "hyper kids" who couldn't sit still and acted a little different, but those were the kids you sent outside to burn off their extra energy, not give them drugs to calm them down. And now ADHD is everywhere. It seems like everyone has it, knows someone who has it, used to have it, whatever. It seems like it is literally becoming a catch all diagnoses that people, in my opinion, over use. You can't sit still in class? ADHD. You speak out of turn? Probably have ADHD. You are a fidgeter? Let me get you some ritalin. And here is a coupon brought to you from our good friends at Novartis.
People in the US want a quick fix. They want a pill that will make all the unpleasantness go away. Counseling and behavior therapy have shown amazing results in children with mental illnesses and behavioral issues like ADHD but they take major work and commitment from the child as well as their families and in this day and age, that is often not practical. It is easier to go to your pediatrician or GP and get a prescription. A prescription that is not prescribed by a psychiatrist or a doctor that specializes in psychopharmacology, a prescription that we don't really know how it will affect a childs developing brain long term... To quote the article as far as medications, "The majority have been okayed for adults only, but are being used "off label" for younger and younger patients at children's menu doses. The practice is common and perfectly legal but potentially risky. "We know that kids are not just little adults," says Dr. David Fassler, professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont. "They metabolize medications differently." Yikes!
According to healthcentral.com, one of the debates over the whether ADHD is over-diagnosed is the relationship between the increasing diagnosis and the profit the pharmaceutical companies are making from the medications being prescribed to treat the disorder. I am a nurse, and every single day, I see the pharmaceutical companies in action. Drug reps come on a daily basis, to give free samples, hand out coupons, buy us lunch, give us candy, anything they can legally do to get us to prescribe their drugs. They bribe the nurses to influence the doctors, they bribe the doctors to write the scripts. Does it work? Sometimes. But the point is, it makes me think. What else are they doing?
Do I believe ADHD is a real diagnoses? Yes. Do I believe the label is overused? Yes. Do I feel like Americans are over medicated? YES, YES AND YES! I know I sound preachy and for that I apologize, I just feel like there is so much about medications we don't know and so many shady things going on with drug companies that we do know, why should that be our first line of defense? Yes, hard work can be a drag. Yes, it would be easier to just take a pill to make your symptoms go away, but if it is going to do damage to your child's maturing brain and turn them into a little zombie child, is it really worth it?
P.S. For those of you reading this, I don't have a child with ADHD. And if I did, I might feel differently. I think everyone should do what is right for them and their families, I am just stating my opinion. Thanks for reading!
When I was a child, in addition to having to walk uphill both ways to school in the snow, I didn't get to watch TV. I didn't have a computer, there was no such thing as video games (unless you were at the bowling alley and they had Ms. Pacman which was AWESOME!) We played outside. We rode our bikes with no helmets, we drank water straight out of the creek (no purifier, crazy, I know!) we had to entertain ourselves using only our imaginations... And no one, I repeat NO ONE, I knew had ADHD. I know now that ADHD has been being studied and reported on for at least 45 years but when and where I grew up, It was a completely foreign idea. Sure, there were the "hyper kids" who couldn't sit still and acted a little different, but those were the kids you sent outside to burn off their extra energy, not give them drugs to calm them down. And now ADHD is everywhere. It seems like everyone has it, knows someone who has it, used to have it, whatever. It seems like it is literally becoming a catch all diagnoses that people, in my opinion, over use. You can't sit still in class? ADHD. You speak out of turn? Probably have ADHD. You are a fidgeter? Let me get you some ritalin. And here is a coupon brought to you from our good friends at Novartis.
People in the US want a quick fix. They want a pill that will make all the unpleasantness go away. Counseling and behavior therapy have shown amazing results in children with mental illnesses and behavioral issues like ADHD but they take major work and commitment from the child as well as their families and in this day and age, that is often not practical. It is easier to go to your pediatrician or GP and get a prescription. A prescription that is not prescribed by a psychiatrist or a doctor that specializes in psychopharmacology, a prescription that we don't really know how it will affect a childs developing brain long term... To quote the article as far as medications, "The majority have been okayed for adults only, but are being used "off label" for younger and younger patients at children's menu doses. The practice is common and perfectly legal but potentially risky. "We know that kids are not just little adults," says Dr. David Fassler, professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont. "They metabolize medications differently." Yikes!
According to healthcentral.com, one of the debates over the whether ADHD is over-diagnosed is the relationship between the increasing diagnosis and the profit the pharmaceutical companies are making from the medications being prescribed to treat the disorder. I am a nurse, and every single day, I see the pharmaceutical companies in action. Drug reps come on a daily basis, to give free samples, hand out coupons, buy us lunch, give us candy, anything they can legally do to get us to prescribe their drugs. They bribe the nurses to influence the doctors, they bribe the doctors to write the scripts. Does it work? Sometimes. But the point is, it makes me think. What else are they doing?
Do I believe ADHD is a real diagnoses? Yes. Do I believe the label is overused? Yes. Do I feel like Americans are over medicated? YES, YES AND YES! I know I sound preachy and for that I apologize, I just feel like there is so much about medications we don't know and so many shady things going on with drug companies that we do know, why should that be our first line of defense? Yes, hard work can be a drag. Yes, it would be easier to just take a pill to make your symptoms go away, but if it is going to do damage to your child's maturing brain and turn them into a little zombie child, is it really worth it?
P.S. For those of you reading this, I don't have a child with ADHD. And if I did, I might feel differently. I think everyone should do what is right for them and their families, I am just stating my opinion. Thanks for reading!
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